Tangled Hope

 Yet I still dare to hope
  when I remember this:

  The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
      His mercies never cease.
  Great is his faithfulness;
      his mercies begin afresh each morning.
  I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
      therefore, I will hope in him!”

  The Lord is good to those who depend on him,
      to those who search for him.
  So it is good to wait quietly
      for salvation from the Lord.

-Lamentations 3:21-26.  

     Over the past three years, hope has become my motto; my mantra. Things have been beyond difficult: the passing of my mother, the sickness of my father, my own illness, losing close friends to distance and time. I've struggled. I've been angry. I've shaken my fists and closed off my heart to God and those closest to me.

    In the grandiose scheme of things, I can see God's hand moving. I tend to focus on the big picture in life: small details do not concern me. Because of this, I thought day-to-day life would be, well, easier.

It hasn't been. 

I can reconcile myself with the big picture. Alright, mom is gone. Dad's recovering. I'm doing my best to lead a normal, illness free life. What I cannot face is everyday life.

It's the small details that kill me the most. I can't just call up my mom. My dad and I can't just take a spontaneous walk. I can't make it though the day without sleeping. Small, mundane details.

They kill me.

But this is why I have hope: the Lord has not forgotten me, nor has He turned His face away from me. No, I cannot feel Him right now, but I know deep down within my tangled, weathered heart that He is here. Watching, healing, protecting. 

So life goes on. Yes, I'm facing each day kicking and screaming, but at least I'm fighting for something. 

If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won. -Mumford and Sons. 

Apathy is my greatest enemy. 

Plant your hope with good seed, don't cover yourself with thistles and weeds. -M&S.