Wednesday, February 1, 2012

learning self-worth

Lately, I've been feeling out of place. I've always done my own thing. I have trouble getting close to people, and lately, I've been feeling inadequate with my life. Like I don't have enough friends, or activities or interests. I've broken down multiple times, feeling like I'm ill equipped to deal with life.

Part of me has come to realize that every feeling of inadequacy is nothing more than a lie that I've been telling myself. Everyone is different, so we all live life differently, and have various standards of happiness. I've made a plan of action to pull myself up out of this rut. It is, as follows.

1. Stop trying to do things on my own. First, I am inadequate in the sense that I can do nothing outside of my Savior. I need to make Him my very top priority, otherwise the steps that follow will all be in vain. Real self-worth and joy can only be found within Him. I am going to start journaling my prayers, and start a more intentional Bible study. Going to a Bible college, it's very easy to lose a personal connection with the Bible and see it merely as a text book. I need to constantly remind myself that Christ did die for all--but He also died for me. He found me--little, insecure, imperfect Katy--worth dying for. And we, out of all creation, became His prized possession. James 1:18

2. Recognize that no life is perfect. Who came up with the idea that there is an ideal life? Because it doesn't exist. There is a song lyric that says "And I am not convinced that anybody is ever living the dream." That has always stuck with me. There is no such thing as a perfect life, so stop trying to find it. Life is supposed to be complicated and messy, and there is beauty in that.

3. Take things an hour at a time. I constantly look to the future, while living in the past. There is hardly any present in my life. I've been told to take things a day at a time, but honestly, even that is too much for me. So I'm going to break my days down into even smaller sections. If I feel happy, I'm going to let myself feel happy, and not worry about what might happen later when that happiness passes. And if I feel melancholy, I'm going to recognize it, and realize that it too will soon pass.

4. Cherish the friendships I have. As an introvert, I don't have many friends, but the friendships I do have are very dear to me. And honestly? That's okay. I prefer quality over quantity. Having a large group of friends does not a happy person make. My life is nearly drama free, and for that I am thankful. God has blessed me with some solid people that I can trust.

5. Take care of myself. I am going to consistently take my medicine. I'm going to a new doctor and getting back into counseling soon. I'm going to start exercising and try to eat healthier. I'm going to stop, take time, and breathe.

6. Make time for the things I love. I'm going to read more. Sleep more. Take more pictures. Paint more paintings and draw more drawings. Watch more iCarly with my best friend. Play and listen to more music. Write more words, go to more shows. I'm going to do the things I've always wanted to do, like go find The Grilled Cheeserie truck, or go rock climbing.

This is my plan for the rest of this semester. I'm the kind of person that constantly has to be busy, and it's easy for me to get buried in school projects. I don't know how to handle down time, and I've had quite a bit of time to myself lately. I think that's what has induced this life freak out. I have to learn to be okay with me. I have to stop finding my worth in other people. This has all been on my mind lately. (And by on my mind I mean totally obsessing over.)


listen to--> There There, Katie - Jack's Mannequin

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