Tuesday, January 14, 2014

around the bend

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Well. Here I am. My last full semester of undergrad. The past four years have been some of the hardest--and best--years of my life.

Today I am swallowing my disappointment. I still don't know exactly when I'll be graduating. August? December? Regardless, I can't walk until next May. Regardless, this is my last semester in the dorm as a full-time student.

My roommate is gone. Back to Michigan for a semester. These white cinder block walls don't seem quite so friendly anymore. This room feels too empty.

My health is falling apart. I recently found out the autoimmune disease I have is still attacking my body. My thyroid, iron, vitamin D, and B12 levels are all shot. I've been put on some pretty intense supplements. I've had to start a cleanse to give my immune system a break. No dairy, wheat, potatoes, sugar, caffeine, red meat/pork for me. Current status: hangry. 

I may not get to participate in the musical this year. It breaks my heart. I love musical theater so much. Being in the musical has always been the bright spot of the spring semester. I don't know what I'll do if I can't swing being in it. Probably cry a lot. 

But today I am celebrating.  For the first time in my life, I have hope for my health. The world is before me, fresh, clean, and new, like the cold, cleansing snow that falls in places much farther north than here. My friends continue to be the wonderful, supportive people they've always been. My family continues to show me unconditional love. The courses I'm taking this semester are going to be incredible.

There is always good with the bad.

Lately the Lord has been asking me, "How much do you trust me?" At times, I feel my answer is no more than an uncertain shrug. But it all comes down to this. My plans are useless. My own devices fail me, over, and over, and over. Do I trust Him? I have no choice but to. He has proven to be beyond faithful.


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