Nobody told me it would be this hard.
That forsaking everything in the name of obedience would mean forsaking some truly good things.
That some decisions would be harder than others.
That it would require a lot of hard work. A lot of hard work. Giving up trips with friends to stay on top of class work. Spending less money because fundraising will have to start soon. Trying to get more rest so my body can heal and recuperate.
It's starting to sink in that in nine months, if all goes well, I will be on a plane to another continent, half-way around the world. I'll be gone from my friends, my family, my comforts and necessities for an entire year. I'll be in a culture that is completely and totally different from my own. One that holds different ideals, traditions, and standards. I'll be teaching (something I never thought I would do!), and reaching out to students.
I don't think it will be easy. I'm not sure I can do it.
But this is what my heart desires. And I believe it is what God desires for my life. Though I haven't met these people yet, they have my heart. God has seen it fit that this cause would be deemed worthy in my eyes to forsake everything I have and own here.
I am not the worthy one, though. My endeavors are not worthy. They are pitiful, whimpy groanings of a depraved and evil soul. But the Lord sees beyond that. He sees those small desires of my heart, those small sacrifices of my body, and He uses them. He draws them to Himself, and He amplifies them. Without Him, any sacrifice or desire I might have is totally worthless. All would be vain.
It won't be easy. I can't do it without Him.
But I have His promise to never forsake me. And those who He calls, He equips. It's cliche, but I fully believe it. All of my life--every choice, every circumstance, has been preparing me for this.
I don't feel ready. The timing doesn't seem right. But will it ever?
It's funny how faith is simultaneously the easiest and hardest choice.